How to meet new people
The Loneliness Phenomenon and a Hidden Opportunity to Build Your Tribe
The data and facts are undeniable. As per Google search trends and countless other articles and content pieces out there, we can safely say that we are in the midst of a loneliness phenomenon unlike anything most of us may have witnessed in our lifetime. The search term ‘where to meet new people’ has hit an all time popularity high of 100 in Oct 2024 which in itself is mind-blowing to me.
Dr. Tara Swart, a neuroscientist and best-selling author of the book called “The source”, mentioned on several of her podcast conversations that she actually predicted there was going to be a mental health crisis at the start of the pandemic. In her conversation on Theo Von’s podcast she said “For most people, the pandemic happened, we came out of it and we thought, okay, everything will just go back to normal. But actually, everyone's social circle shrank. We're more lost, lonely, and disconnected than I think ever before in the history of humanity”. I want to clarify though, that the loneliness being referred to here is more than just a numbers game. Some people may have a lot of “friends” and a large social circle but can still feel lost at a deeper level and lack enough meaningful connections.
The relationship between this predicted crisis and what we are now seeing unfold is unmistakable. However, though the pandemic may have seemingly accelerated the sense of alienation we are feeling, we may need to peel back several more layers to attempt to identify where it really originated.
Arthur Brooks who is a professor of ‘The Science of Happiness’ at the Harvard Business School, has shed some light on the happiness slump that we are witnessing currently. In a recent podcast with Oprah he spoke about a big storm around 2008 - 2009 that has made us lonelier than ever before. While one might initially think that he is referring to the financial crisis, he is actually talking about the birth and integration of social media thick and fast into our lives. While we may have heard several times about how these platforms are seemingly connecting us on the surface but making us more disconnected at a deeper level due to amplifying comparison and negativity, Arthur offers a nuance to this we may have missed. He says that social media in itself is not evil. However, we now have a whole generation of people who started using these platforms without learning to develop the emotional tools to navigate the feelings it could bring up, and the younger generation who doesn’t remember a world that is any different, was particularly impressionable.
I am increasingly becoming a proponent of the idea too that nothing is inherently positive or negative, or all good or all bad. What is important though is to continue to develop the emotional maturity needed to understand the impact of the content we are consuming and engaging with, and be highly intentional about it. This allows us to use these tools and content in the best possible way for our growth. This is something I have been working on and I am not saying I have mastered it by any stretch, but what I am realizing is that the more mindful I am, the more rewarding the process gets.
Another perspective I would like to offer here (also because I love going back to evolutionary reasons to understand human behaviour), is that we have historically existed in tribes and not just existed but depended on them to feel physically and emotionally safe. For tens of thousands of years, humans were primarily hunter-gatherers and tribes were organized around survival needs—hunting animals, gathering plants, and sheltering from the elements. These small, close-knit groups worked together to ensure everyone’s survival, with shared responsibilities. The tribes had shared traditions and rituals that helped reinforce psychological well-being. Even though the human brain has evolved significantly over time, especially the neocortex, which is responsible for higher cognitive functions, the core structures of the limbic system have remained relatively consistent because they manage fundamental survival functions. This background leads to.a deeper understanding of the fact that no matter how much we progress on aspects of our individual well-being we need our “tribe” to feel safe and to thrive.
With the advent of social media though, our brains are having to adapt to the constant updates from a far wider network than we were prepared for, as from an evolutionary perspective I don’t think we were bombarded with updates from neighbouring tribes (funny when you think about it :))
So while I do deeply appreciate the access to an abundance of valuable people and resources in the online world out there, simultaneously I think we need to develop a very high intentionality of the consumption of this content.
Now that we understand the causes and impacts of us feeling more disconnected, it's certainly not all doom and gloom out there. There are hidden opportunities in this crisis to build our own tribes. Assuming we can find enough tactical solutions to meet like minded people (like join a fitness or hobby class, attend an event of interest and many more) I want to invite us here to think about the following energetic components.
While we may have some sort of goal-setting process for health, finances, career, home etc., could we perhaps think about building our tribe/community in the same way and start with a vision for the kind of people and energy we want closest to us? People who support our dreams, motivate us, challenge us in a meaningful way, people who are working on their own development and setting an example? Perhaps we can add this aspect to our yearly/monthly/weekly intention setting exercise?
Sometimes, or a lot of times rather, when we are in the process of breaking a pattern and trying to do things differently like build a business, travel the world or not live societal blueprints, we may drift apart from some of our existing connections and that’s totally okay. Trust that either those connections will align at some point and be a part of your life again or you will go separate ways and neither is right or wrong, it’s just different.
We can all appreciate that we need different kinds of friendships to meet different needs. For example, the friend who may bring more lightness and fun into our life need not be the same friend we chat with about our business or career aspirations. They may well be the same person but this is just an example to say that expecting one or two friends to meet the different needs and aspects of our personality is putting way too much pressure on them.
Without sounding too woo (or it's okay even if I do), we attract people who we are an energy match to. Explaining that is a whole different blog post for another time. But for now, we can probably appreciate that as we work on our own personal development, challenging our limiting beliefs and slowly building empowering ones, we will naturally start to encounter people and circumstances who reflect this new version of us!
We have probably heard through various sources that we are in fact the sum total of the 5 people that we hang out with the most since we possess what are called mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are specialized brain cells that activate both when we perform an action and when we observe someone else performing the same action. Since that is the case, we may want to make our “inner circle” count. Knowing this also helps to have gratitude for the close friends that we have grown together with!
Given the world we live in now, this list would not be complete without mentioning a potential online community that we can benefit from and grow with. I know I spoke about mindful interactions with the online world being super important, but by the same measure, the mere vastness of the number of people and resources that we have access to, merits the possibility of finding and developing meaningful connections in any corner of the world, and ones that expand our worldview.
While community and friendships are vital to our well-being, it’s also important to say yes to gatherings and meetings from an authentic place and to do so when we really mean yes. Sometimes when we end up saying yes from a “should” energy in the sense of thinking that we should be somewhere even though it may not be aligned with what we really want at that time, it is actually counterproductive for us and inauthentic to the people we are meeting. Saying yes when we mean yes and no when we mean no not only honours our own time and energy but also that of others.
So, while I may have started this article on a somber note with the disconcerting trends we are seeing around us, I’m ending it on an optimistic note of the hidden opportunity to invest in and rebuild our tribes in a far more deliberate and sustainable way that nourishes our souls. I intend to take my own suggestions mentioned here as I continue to build my tribes and connections and I hope this gives you something to think about as well!